I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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