At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
