im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
