Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
