nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
