Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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