At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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