It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.