It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.