JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
