You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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