just tell him i said nine months
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize