i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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