Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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