gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
