I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
