Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
