My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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