guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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