I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"