When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.