I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.