You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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