My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
