1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
