Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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