Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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