I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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