I accidentally had phone sex last night
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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