My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
