I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
