i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
