You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
