so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
