i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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