Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
