that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
