Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
