College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
