fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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