My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
