There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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