I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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