Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
