Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
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I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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