3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who died my cat blue again?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
