I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
