am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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