They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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