apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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