Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
