$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
