the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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