booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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