No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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