I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
