dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
