he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
